How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
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