I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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