i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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