my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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