We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
