The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
