If i could tip my vagina, i would.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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