so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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