After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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