OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
