guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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