the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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