I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
