I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
