I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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