i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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