just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
