Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
