there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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