I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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