ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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