Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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