shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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