Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
