Betty ford says i'm here all night
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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