Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
