I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
