the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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