she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
