she was so not down for the gang bang
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
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Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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