Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
