what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
