her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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