so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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