I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
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You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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