Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
