I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
