"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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