dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
