What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
