a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
