I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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