My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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