so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
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I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
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Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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