I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
