I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
