Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
