Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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