Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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