as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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