Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
