the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
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