I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
