After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
