apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
