i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
