He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
