I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
