Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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